Navel Gazing
Aug. 28th, 2011 08:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
machshefaWhat follows is my attempt to make sense of some currently shapeless thoughts and feelings by thinking 'out loud', so to speak. Feel free to skip the navel gazing and wandering in circles and go right to the questions at the end. I'd LOVE to have lots and lots of discussion here if people are interested in the topic. Or, skip the whole thing and enjoy your evening. :)
So, I'm beginning to detect a pattern.
I finish a big story (this time, my SSHG Exchange Story), dip my toe back into reading other people's words, and, inevitably, begin to wonder about why I do this writing thing, anyway. I wonder what compels me to spend hours and hours each week struggling with images and voices and story, especially when there is no lack of absolutely brilliant stuff out there already (and being posted all the time). When I'm in the middle of a story, every spare block of time is mentally given over to writing. It's difficult for me to put it aside and do other things that need doing. When a story is finished, it feels odd to not have the story pulling at my attention and filling my schedule.
I never planned to write fiction. I've never taken a writing class or pursued creative writing in any structured fashion. In fact, I don't think I ever wrote a story until four years ago. I do remember having vague notions of one day writing SF/F when I was a kid. Not that I had a specific story to tell, mind you. I just remember that powerful desire to be able to DO what my favorite writers could do. (To transport, to emotionally move the reader in some important way, to transform. Oh, man. How egocentric is that? Argh.)
The desire faded in the face of my academic ambitions and clinical training and never really emerged again until I got poked to write a story instead of doing (mediocre) art (that was decidedly not going well) for an exchange.
So what's the issue? Well. Hmm. First is the 'why?'
I still don't really understand why I write, and am aggravated that there is still a very old voice that insists I am either BIG or SMALL and taunts me with my shortcomings as a writer. Of course, that voice also taunts me about all manner of shortcomings. It's not unique to writing. But writing is my hobby, not something I must do. Not like parenting or work or keeping my life and family basically on track.
Until I began to read in the Sherlock fandom, I had never, ever written a story that wasn't spurred by a prompt. Mostly I wrote for exchanges and fests, or at least began a story in response to some sort of structured request. I was relieved to be reading without also writing in my shiny new fandom. It was pure pleasure to read and not have any internal voice comparing my work to what I was enjoying from others.
Imagine my surprise when Sherlock's voice began whispering in my ear. Voice and a story (and a title) had never arrived in my head this way, basically fully formed. It was fascinating to me, and did make the experience of writing that series different. It felt less like trying to make the story happen and more like being a conduit to something outside of myself or, perhaps, deeper inside myself. I'm not sure.
So, then, I wonder whether my writing is more about self-expression or communication. I wonder how much audience matters. I consider what it would feel like if everything I wrote was seen only by me or perhaps by my closest writing friends.
As the 'why' sits and spins, I come to the 'how?' One of the most interesting parts of fandom for me has been observing the range of styles and approaches to storytelling. I've learned so much over the last few years and become very familiar with my own strengths and weaknesses.
I'm aware that learning to write and to tell a compelling story is developmental. Everybody learns and grows and hones their craft. I get this. I'm okay with this. I know that some writers I adore have been writing for decades. I know that many writers I adore have always considered themselves writers, always felt the urge and need to tell a story and to shape words into worlds and transport their readers there. I'm a baby (okay, maybe a preschooler) compared to those writers. :)
There are a number of writers in the Sherlock fandom and in HP whose stories I'll read and then think, "I'll never write again. Why bother?" It's not self-flagellation or a cry for reassurance. It's a measure of the way the story moves me, of the magic in the style, to the way those stories make me think or how they define the characters in ways that transform my understanding of the characters and myself.
There are stories and storytellers who cast such long shadows because of the power of their work that it feels self-indulgent to try to reach for those same heights. This makes me contemplate the way stories impact me (and others, I imagine). It makes me think about how transformative stories are and how much they change me and always have.
Words. Powerful things, words. I use them in my work. I hear them in all their cacophony and melody. In a clinical setting, I need to be able to join with people through their words (and other ways of showing me what is going on under the surface). I need to recognize the rhythms and, often, help people to change them. I can do this (well enough, usually) face to face with people. I hope I can sometimes do this in a story, but I don't think I do it consistently enough. Not powerfully enough. Just not enough.
I did warn you that this was a whole lot of navel gazing.
*rereads what I've written
Oh.
It's all about identity for me.
Big surprise. It's always all about identity (for me). ;)
So. Why do you write?
How did you learn to write? What do you feel you're still learning to do?
How much is your identity wrapped up in your writing and storytelling?
How much does audience play into what you do and how you do it?
What makes certain stories shine (yours or others) in your eyes? What do you look for in a story? What draws you to read certain stories or certain writers?
Does anybody else get this crash after finishing a big or otherwise important (to you) story? Does anybody know why it happens? LOL
Does anybody else wonder why they do this and feel like they've just ripped off their skin and are waiting for the world's approval/approvation/rejection/indifference every time they post something?
Just wondering. ;)
So, I'm beginning to detect a pattern.
I finish a big story (this time, my SSHG Exchange Story), dip my toe back into reading other people's words, and, inevitably, begin to wonder about why I do this writing thing, anyway. I wonder what compels me to spend hours and hours each week struggling with images and voices and story, especially when there is no lack of absolutely brilliant stuff out there already (and being posted all the time). When I'm in the middle of a story, every spare block of time is mentally given over to writing. It's difficult for me to put it aside and do other things that need doing. When a story is finished, it feels odd to not have the story pulling at my attention and filling my schedule.
I never planned to write fiction. I've never taken a writing class or pursued creative writing in any structured fashion. In fact, I don't think I ever wrote a story until four years ago. I do remember having vague notions of one day writing SF/F when I was a kid. Not that I had a specific story to tell, mind you. I just remember that powerful desire to be able to DO what my favorite writers could do. (To transport, to emotionally move the reader in some important way, to transform. Oh, man. How egocentric is that? Argh.)
The desire faded in the face of my academic ambitions and clinical training and never really emerged again until I got poked to write a story instead of doing (mediocre) art (that was decidedly not going well) for an exchange.
So what's the issue? Well. Hmm. First is the 'why?'
I still don't really understand why I write, and am aggravated that there is still a very old voice that insists I am either BIG or SMALL and taunts me with my shortcomings as a writer. Of course, that voice also taunts me about all manner of shortcomings. It's not unique to writing. But writing is my hobby, not something I must do. Not like parenting or work or keeping my life and family basically on track.
Until I began to read in the Sherlock fandom, I had never, ever written a story that wasn't spurred by a prompt. Mostly I wrote for exchanges and fests, or at least began a story in response to some sort of structured request. I was relieved to be reading without also writing in my shiny new fandom. It was pure pleasure to read and not have any internal voice comparing my work to what I was enjoying from others.
Imagine my surprise when Sherlock's voice began whispering in my ear. Voice and a story (and a title) had never arrived in my head this way, basically fully formed. It was fascinating to me, and did make the experience of writing that series different. It felt less like trying to make the story happen and more like being a conduit to something outside of myself or, perhaps, deeper inside myself. I'm not sure.
So, then, I wonder whether my writing is more about self-expression or communication. I wonder how much audience matters. I consider what it would feel like if everything I wrote was seen only by me or perhaps by my closest writing friends.
As the 'why' sits and spins, I come to the 'how?' One of the most interesting parts of fandom for me has been observing the range of styles and approaches to storytelling. I've learned so much over the last few years and become very familiar with my own strengths and weaknesses.
I'm aware that learning to write and to tell a compelling story is developmental. Everybody learns and grows and hones their craft. I get this. I'm okay with this. I know that some writers I adore have been writing for decades. I know that many writers I adore have always considered themselves writers, always felt the urge and need to tell a story and to shape words into worlds and transport their readers there. I'm a baby (okay, maybe a preschooler) compared to those writers. :)
There are a number of writers in the Sherlock fandom and in HP whose stories I'll read and then think, "I'll never write again. Why bother?" It's not self-flagellation or a cry for reassurance. It's a measure of the way the story moves me, of the magic in the style, to the way those stories make me think or how they define the characters in ways that transform my understanding of the characters and myself.
There are stories and storytellers who cast such long shadows because of the power of their work that it feels self-indulgent to try to reach for those same heights. This makes me contemplate the way stories impact me (and others, I imagine). It makes me think about how transformative stories are and how much they change me and always have.
Words. Powerful things, words. I use them in my work. I hear them in all their cacophony and melody. In a clinical setting, I need to be able to join with people through their words (and other ways of showing me what is going on under the surface). I need to recognize the rhythms and, often, help people to change them. I can do this (well enough, usually) face to face with people. I hope I can sometimes do this in a story, but I don't think I do it consistently enough. Not powerfully enough. Just not enough.
I did warn you that this was a whole lot of navel gazing.
*rereads what I've written
Oh.
It's all about identity for me.
Big surprise. It's always all about identity (for me). ;)
So. Why do you write?
How did you learn to write? What do you feel you're still learning to do?
How much is your identity wrapped up in your writing and storytelling?
How much does audience play into what you do and how you do it?
What makes certain stories shine (yours or others) in your eyes? What do you look for in a story? What draws you to read certain stories or certain writers?
Does anybody else get this crash after finishing a big or otherwise important (to you) story? Does anybody know why it happens? LOL
Does anybody else wonder why they do this and feel like they've just ripped off their skin and are waiting for the world's approval/approvation/rejection/indifference every time they post something?
Just wondering. ;)
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-29 06:44 am (UTC)I wrote stories as a child - not often, but when we had to write something in class, I'd find my imagination soaring and that I could come up with wonderful, imaginative, absurd, fantastical tales, be it an epic poem about an olympic hero who gets torn to pieces by the adoring crowds, or a story about an alien melting away in a hot tram, or a poem dedicated to the awesomeness of mathematics (that one won me things, books and prizes and stuff). I even had my first poem published in the national children's magazine when I was seven.
But that was then, and then I grew up, and life happened. And I didn't write a single word of fiction for a very long time - 15 years, I think, between my last bit of creative writing (which was an angsty and very personal short story about unrequited love, which I never showed anyone), and my first drabble in the SSHG fandom.
Why do I do it? It's a good question. In the SSHG fandom, I think it was a mixture of wanting to write again (wanting, not necessarily being driven to) and wanting to belong, wanting to be a bigger part of this community, and I didn't feel like "just" reading was enough. I'd read so much awesome stuff - I wanted to try my hand at it, too. But it was scary, and hard, and ... well, scary. I think it's why I stuck strictly to drabbles for a long time - it gave me boundaries, restrictions; having the 100 word limit to stick to (even in drabble series) gave me a safety net of sorts. Which I don't think I've ever really put to words before now, and I'm not even sure it makes sense...
I suppose a lot of my SSHG writing still has to do with wanting to be a part of the community - apart from a handful of drabbles and a couple of shorter things, everything SSHG that I've written has been written to prompts (gifts or otherwise) or challenges. I wonder sometimes if it's because I've read hundreds if not thousands of fics in this fandom and therefore find it difficult to come up with anything remotely original myself, or if it's just that I write SSHG to share, to an audience, not just because I need to.
And that - not being able to write other than to other people's prompts - has bothered me. Could I only come up with words, but not the ideas? It's something I've spent quite a bit of time wondering about.
So in that sense, after all those years in SSHG, falling head first into another fandom (sort of; not much fandom in a community sense to speak of with Skulduggery Pleasant), was eye-opening. Liberating. I realised I wanted to write. I had to write. There was little out there to draw upon, and there's not nearly the audience that there is with SSHG (not that I've ever had a huge audience outside my LJ circle of friends and the exchange, but that's huge compared to all of the SP fandom), but I've needed to write. Without prompts. Without challenges. All my SP fic has been written because I've not been able to not write it. Because there are stories I've wanted to see happen, and no one else has written them, or not in such a way, and so I've had no choice but to write them myself.
So ... er, long comment is long enough already, isn't it?
I still don't know why I really write. It's excruciatingly difficult at times. I hate my writing. I can't read it after I've written something. I wibble (oh god do I wibble). I want acceptance, but I'm afraid of it, too. I need to get it out there, away from me, as soon as I can, and then I wibble some more. I want comments, and I don't want them, because I'm scared of what they'll say.
Although I have to say that this need for acceptance has decreased a bit over the years ... and it seems to be fandom-dependant, too - I don't need it nearly the same way with my SP fic, which I write largely for myself, as I do with SSHG. It's odd, really, now that I think about it.
And yeah, there is a post-story crash, especially after the longer ones, such as the SSHG exchange fics. I've found it very hard to get back into writing something else after finishing each of my exchange fics, so I've tried to at least write a few random drabbles at some point just to avoid getting another six month block.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-29 01:50 pm (UTC)Writing to prompts. I told Annie that I wasn't a real writer b/c I didn't have my own ideas but only responded to prompts. *hides from Annie... She was unpleased, shall we say. ;) She was right. But it was part of figuring out my identity as a writer, I think. Since then, like you, I've begun to write without prompts. And, interestingly, out of my first fandom.
I'm so glad you found SP! (Must read that series). It's so different to feel the urge to write and tell the story rather than the pressure to complete the work and struggling to find the story.
What are you afraid of in terms of acceptance? What do you imagine will happen when people admire your work? Or are you more afraid you won't find it when you put yourself out there?
I signed up for a short fic community in Sherlock in order to avoid a block or a crash after finishing my SSHG story... Seems we think alike. :)
*hugs
no subject
Date: 2011-08-29 02:11 pm (UTC)Not that I thought about it in those terms to start with!
I told Annie that I wasn't a real writer b/c I didn't have my own ideas but only responded to prompts.
Hee. I know just what you mean. And yes, it's wrong! But it's sometimes hard not to think that way, because there is the feeling that writing starts with that seed, the idea, and with a prompt, one can't help but feel that this seed is not your own, even if it gives birth to a unique, completely original tale, which no one else could have written.
(Must read that series)
Yes, you must! *encourages*
What are you afraid of in terms of acceptance?
I don't really even know. It's an odd mixture of feelings - I want validation, and at the same time, I've come to feel almost reluctant to accept it. I want comments, and at the same time, I don't. (I do want at least one, if I post something, because no comments at all can feel rather awful, somehow.) And lately I've felt disinclined to post some things to a wider audience, outside LJ, because I don't really want to share with everyone ... or something. It's weird, and I'm trying to make sense of it.
I want to write a sequel to my SSHG exchange fic, but I think I need some more distance from it before I even think about that. My exchange fic this time around was the longest and most difficult story I've written (and I'd like to think my best; I have no idea really - but I can feel how I've evolved as a writer with practice and experience), so once I'd finished that, I just wanted to wash my hands of it. For now. *g*
no subject
Date: 2011-08-29 02:59 pm (UTC)So there.
I treat both cases as challenges, requiring me to think about working in a way that isn't necessarily comfortable to me (without losing how I work, at the most basic level). They've been opportunities to learn.
It's travel with a compass v. travel without one. Either way, it's a journey.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-29 04:07 pm (UTC)That is such an awesome way of putting it!
no subject
Date: 2011-08-29 02:12 pm (UTC)Hee! I totally identify!