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Navel Gazing
What follows is my attempt to make sense of some currently shapeless thoughts and feelings by thinking 'out loud', so to speak. Feel free to skip the navel gazing and wandering in circles and go right to the questions at the end. I'd LOVE to have lots and lots of discussion here if people are interested in the topic. Or, skip the whole thing and enjoy your evening. :)
So, I'm beginning to detect a pattern.
I finish a big story (this time, my SSHG Exchange Story), dip my toe back into reading other people's words, and, inevitably, begin to wonder about why I do this writing thing, anyway. I wonder what compels me to spend hours and hours each week struggling with images and voices and story, especially when there is no lack of absolutely brilliant stuff out there already (and being posted all the time). When I'm in the middle of a story, every spare block of time is mentally given over to writing. It's difficult for me to put it aside and do other things that need doing. When a story is finished, it feels odd to not have the story pulling at my attention and filling my schedule.
I never planned to write fiction. I've never taken a writing class or pursued creative writing in any structured fashion. In fact, I don't think I ever wrote a story until four years ago. I do remember having vague notions of one day writing SF/F when I was a kid. Not that I had a specific story to tell, mind you. I just remember that powerful desire to be able to DO what my favorite writers could do. (To transport, to emotionally move the reader in some important way, to transform. Oh, man. How egocentric is that? Argh.)
The desire faded in the face of my academic ambitions and clinical training and never really emerged again until I got poked to write a story instead of doing (mediocre) art (that was decidedly not going well) for an exchange.
So what's the issue? Well. Hmm. First is the 'why?'
I still don't really understand why I write, and am aggravated that there is still a very old voice that insists I am either BIG or SMALL and taunts me with my shortcomings as a writer. Of course, that voice also taunts me about all manner of shortcomings. It's not unique to writing. But writing is my hobby, not something I must do. Not like parenting or work or keeping my life and family basically on track.
Until I began to read in the Sherlock fandom, I had never, ever written a story that wasn't spurred by a prompt. Mostly I wrote for exchanges and fests, or at least began a story in response to some sort of structured request. I was relieved to be reading without also writing in my shiny new fandom. It was pure pleasure to read and not have any internal voice comparing my work to what I was enjoying from others.
Imagine my surprise when Sherlock's voice began whispering in my ear. Voice and a story (and a title) had never arrived in my head this way, basically fully formed. It was fascinating to me, and did make the experience of writing that series different. It felt less like trying to make the story happen and more like being a conduit to something outside of myself or, perhaps, deeper inside myself. I'm not sure.
So, then, I wonder whether my writing is more about self-expression or communication. I wonder how much audience matters. I consider what it would feel like if everything I wrote was seen only by me or perhaps by my closest writing friends.
As the 'why' sits and spins, I come to the 'how?' One of the most interesting parts of fandom for me has been observing the range of styles and approaches to storytelling. I've learned so much over the last few years and become very familiar with my own strengths and weaknesses.
I'm aware that learning to write and to tell a compelling story is developmental. Everybody learns and grows and hones their craft. I get this. I'm okay with this. I know that some writers I adore have been writing for decades. I know that many writers I adore have always considered themselves writers, always felt the urge and need to tell a story and to shape words into worlds and transport their readers there. I'm a baby (okay, maybe a preschooler) compared to those writers. :)
There are a number of writers in the Sherlock fandom and in HP whose stories I'll read and then think, "I'll never write again. Why bother?" It's not self-flagellation or a cry for reassurance. It's a measure of the way the story moves me, of the magic in the style, to the way those stories make me think or how they define the characters in ways that transform my understanding of the characters and myself.
There are stories and storytellers who cast such long shadows because of the power of their work that it feels self-indulgent to try to reach for those same heights. This makes me contemplate the way stories impact me (and others, I imagine). It makes me think about how transformative stories are and how much they change me and always have.
Words. Powerful things, words. I use them in my work. I hear them in all their cacophony and melody. In a clinical setting, I need to be able to join with people through their words (and other ways of showing me what is going on under the surface). I need to recognize the rhythms and, often, help people to change them. I can do this (well enough, usually) face to face with people. I hope I can sometimes do this in a story, but I don't think I do it consistently enough. Not powerfully enough. Just not enough.
I did warn you that this was a whole lot of navel gazing.
*rereads what I've written
Oh.
It's all about identity for me.
Big surprise. It's always all about identity (for me). ;)
So. Why do you write?
How did you learn to write? What do you feel you're still learning to do?
How much is your identity wrapped up in your writing and storytelling?
How much does audience play into what you do and how you do it?
What makes certain stories shine (yours or others) in your eyes? What do you look for in a story? What draws you to read certain stories or certain writers?
Does anybody else get this crash after finishing a big or otherwise important (to you) story? Does anybody know why it happens? LOL
Does anybody else wonder why they do this and feel like they've just ripped off their skin and are waiting for the world's approval/approvation/rejection/indifference every time they post something?
Just wondering. ;)
So, I'm beginning to detect a pattern.
I finish a big story (this time, my SSHG Exchange Story), dip my toe back into reading other people's words, and, inevitably, begin to wonder about why I do this writing thing, anyway. I wonder what compels me to spend hours and hours each week struggling with images and voices and story, especially when there is no lack of absolutely brilliant stuff out there already (and being posted all the time). When I'm in the middle of a story, every spare block of time is mentally given over to writing. It's difficult for me to put it aside and do other things that need doing. When a story is finished, it feels odd to not have the story pulling at my attention and filling my schedule.
I never planned to write fiction. I've never taken a writing class or pursued creative writing in any structured fashion. In fact, I don't think I ever wrote a story until four years ago. I do remember having vague notions of one day writing SF/F when I was a kid. Not that I had a specific story to tell, mind you. I just remember that powerful desire to be able to DO what my favorite writers could do. (To transport, to emotionally move the reader in some important way, to transform. Oh, man. How egocentric is that? Argh.)
The desire faded in the face of my academic ambitions and clinical training and never really emerged again until I got poked to write a story instead of doing (mediocre) art (that was decidedly not going well) for an exchange.
So what's the issue? Well. Hmm. First is the 'why?'
I still don't really understand why I write, and am aggravated that there is still a very old voice that insists I am either BIG or SMALL and taunts me with my shortcomings as a writer. Of course, that voice also taunts me about all manner of shortcomings. It's not unique to writing. But writing is my hobby, not something I must do. Not like parenting or work or keeping my life and family basically on track.
Until I began to read in the Sherlock fandom, I had never, ever written a story that wasn't spurred by a prompt. Mostly I wrote for exchanges and fests, or at least began a story in response to some sort of structured request. I was relieved to be reading without also writing in my shiny new fandom. It was pure pleasure to read and not have any internal voice comparing my work to what I was enjoying from others.
Imagine my surprise when Sherlock's voice began whispering in my ear. Voice and a story (and a title) had never arrived in my head this way, basically fully formed. It was fascinating to me, and did make the experience of writing that series different. It felt less like trying to make the story happen and more like being a conduit to something outside of myself or, perhaps, deeper inside myself. I'm not sure.
So, then, I wonder whether my writing is more about self-expression or communication. I wonder how much audience matters. I consider what it would feel like if everything I wrote was seen only by me or perhaps by my closest writing friends.
As the 'why' sits and spins, I come to the 'how?' One of the most interesting parts of fandom for me has been observing the range of styles and approaches to storytelling. I've learned so much over the last few years and become very familiar with my own strengths and weaknesses.
I'm aware that learning to write and to tell a compelling story is developmental. Everybody learns and grows and hones their craft. I get this. I'm okay with this. I know that some writers I adore have been writing for decades. I know that many writers I adore have always considered themselves writers, always felt the urge and need to tell a story and to shape words into worlds and transport their readers there. I'm a baby (okay, maybe a preschooler) compared to those writers. :)
There are a number of writers in the Sherlock fandom and in HP whose stories I'll read and then think, "I'll never write again. Why bother?" It's not self-flagellation or a cry for reassurance. It's a measure of the way the story moves me, of the magic in the style, to the way those stories make me think or how they define the characters in ways that transform my understanding of the characters and myself.
There are stories and storytellers who cast such long shadows because of the power of their work that it feels self-indulgent to try to reach for those same heights. This makes me contemplate the way stories impact me (and others, I imagine). It makes me think about how transformative stories are and how much they change me and always have.
Words. Powerful things, words. I use them in my work. I hear them in all their cacophony and melody. In a clinical setting, I need to be able to join with people through their words (and other ways of showing me what is going on under the surface). I need to recognize the rhythms and, often, help people to change them. I can do this (well enough, usually) face to face with people. I hope I can sometimes do this in a story, but I don't think I do it consistently enough. Not powerfully enough. Just not enough.
I did warn you that this was a whole lot of navel gazing.
*rereads what I've written
Oh.
It's all about identity for me.
Big surprise. It's always all about identity (for me). ;)
So. Why do you write?
How did you learn to write? What do you feel you're still learning to do?
How much is your identity wrapped up in your writing and storytelling?
How much does audience play into what you do and how you do it?
What makes certain stories shine (yours or others) in your eyes? What do you look for in a story? What draws you to read certain stories or certain writers?
Does anybody else get this crash after finishing a big or otherwise important (to you) story? Does anybody know why it happens? LOL
Does anybody else wonder why they do this and feel like they've just ripped off their skin and are waiting for the world's approval/approvation/rejection/indifference every time they post something?
Just wondering. ;)
no subject
I write because I enjoy it. I'm happiest when I'm writing, as it turns out. I'm fine when I'm not writing too, because I also really love my work and throw myself into it body and soul, but I'm definitely happiest when there's some writing in there too. Not exclusively though (I think having nothing to do but writing sounds good at first, but after a few weeks it would drive me mad).
How did you learn to write?
I've been writing as long as I can remember. I've always been into words. I guess I always figured I would write something eventually, without giving it a ton of thought. So I learned a bit that way. But I learned the most through fandom. I learned how to punctuate dialogue through the feedback on my very first (TERRIBLE) fic in my first fandom (HP). I learned a ton through fandom, I don't think I can even articulate how much I learned from fandom, really. Everything I write, I learn something.
What do you feel you're still learning to do?
Everything. I feel like I'm at the beginning of a process that will last the rest of my life. I've learned so much from fandom, so now I'm learning from writing novels that very few people will ever see. I didn't think working in such relative isolation would be as satisfying as writing in fandom, but it actually is, strangely. I don't really know why, but I'm enjoying myself.
How much is your identity wrapped up in your writing and storytelling?
I'm not sure it is, at the moment. I'm kind of afraid of that, because I know how fickle it is. Mostly I identify as a librarian, and I like to write, but I don't tend to think of myself as a writer. I don't like the word "writer," it feels too...prescriptive, somehow. And I know too many people who will only accept the term "writer" if what you're writing is something that gets published. I don't know if I'll ever publish anything or not. Maybe I will, eventually. Once I iron out all the details and learn how to do this well. Then the identity question might get more difficult, because more people I know would expect it of me and associate me with it. At the moment I talk about it as a my hobby and I like it that way.
How much does audience play into what you do and how you do it?
It doesn't, really. Well, not deliberately, anyway. As I said, I can only write things that I love. Otherwise I get bored and frustrated. I can't really write to order. So I avoid prompts, though I can see how prompt culture could be very useful. Ideas are rarely something I lack (I generally have an array of ideas to choose from without looking to the ideas of others). I love having an audience though, it's fun and motivating for me, and I love the conversations that arise from it. I've learned a lot from people's reactions. I think I'm like a golden retriever that way: I learn mostly from positive reinforcement, what clearly resonates with other people, and gently guess what people like less and why. I'm probably gravitating toward what works best without thinking about it much at all. I love people and I love meeting people and finding out about them and their opinions. Fandom's great that way. Feedback is great, I've learned tons from it, but I can't quite bring myself to consciously write based on what I think an audience will enjoy. I've been accused of being "mainstream" in the past, and while that hurt the intellectual special snowflake in me at first, I accept that it's pretty true. The things that resonate deeply with me are not unique or unusual, but I write things like that because it resonates with me, not because I think it will be popular. I fear extreme fandom popularity, actually. Bit of a fine line: I like getting feedback, but I don't like being under the microscope of BNFdom. I thought I would miss the audience while writing original fiction, and in a way I did. But surprisingly, a handful of friends reading along had generally the same effect. Who knew!
More..
no subject
I do hope that people read and that my stories (form and content) linger. That they matter in some way--have some impact. *pauses to reflect* I think I know why that is. It's old. *sighs*
no subject
It's old? Hmmm. You linger for me. <3